“If you have healthy boundaries, you value your own thoughts and opinions, feel comfortable asking for or accepting help, know when to share personal information and with whom, can accept and respect the boundaries of others, including someone saying no to a request.” Terri Cole
Types of Boundaries
Many of us have few if any clear, explicit boundaries in place. While we may say the reason we go above and beyond for our loved ones is because we love them, the motivator is usually fear. If I don’t do everything they ask, then I won’t be good enough and they will stop loving me. We prove our self-worth by over-giving. So instead of clear, healthy boundaries, we have porous boundaries.
“If you have too porous boundaries, you might overshare your personal information, say yes when you want to say no, find yourself taking on or overly investing in the problems of others, put up with disrespectful or abusive behavior.” Terri Cole
Sometimes we get serious about setting boundaries, but we make our boundaries very rigid. We want to ensure that no one will ever take advantage of us again. But overly rigid boundaries are a brick wall that keeps out both the bad and the good.
“If you have too rigid boundaries, you might not ask for help when you need it, avoid close relationships to minimize rejection, be perceived by others as detached or cold, tend to isolate yourself.” Terri Cole
If we can find the mindful middle between porous and rigid boundaries, we will set healthy boundaries.
“If you have healthy boundaries, you value your own thoughts and opinions, feel comfortable asking for or accepting help, know when to share personal information and with whom, can accept and respect the boundaries of others, including someone saying no to a request.” Terri Cole
When to Set Boundaries
If you don’t have many boundaries in place already, the prospect of introducing more might seem overwhelming — so build them up slowly. You’ll want to practice setting boundaries that are small requests and start with more neutral people.
You can’t set boundaries off the cuff when someone does something that crosses a line for you. When you try to set a boundary then, you are more likely reacting, not responding. And you are likely to be saying it in a way that makes it feel like an ultimatum or demand, thus making the other person defensive. Buy some time so you can create a script using concise language that can be received by the other person.
The best time to set and communicate boundaries is at the start of the relationship. However, you can still set boundaries with your existing relationships. Afterall, you don’t have to remain the same when you know better. When requesting a change in an existing relationship, adding context will help the other person better understand you and your request. To communicate this change in your relationship, you may use some modification of the phrases below to begin the conversation.
• From now one…
• I thought you should know…
• I wanted to bring something to your attention. The other day I felt _ when…
• I want you to be aware of my feelings about what happened…
• Look, I wish I had said something when this happened, but it’s bothering me now, so I want to bring it to your attention…
• Going forward
What to Communicate
Boundaries are not complaints. Complaints focus on the problem. Boundaries focus on the solution. Instead of telling what you don’t like, you communicate what you actually want. So instead of saying, “You never listen to me.”, you would say, “I’d like you to put your phone down at dinner so we can have a conversation.”
“The boundary is the solution. What would you like? What do you want to see next time? What would make you feel safe?” Nedra Glover Tawwab
When developing your script you’ll want to:
- Be clear and direct without being harsh or dismissive
- Use nonviolent communication
- When I see that _ (observation)
- I feel (feeling)
- Because my need for is not met. (need)
- Would you be willing to _? (request)
- Offer alternative solutions or resources that may help the other person meet their needs.
- Practice active listening by acknowledging their perspective while still asserting your own needs
- Make sure any boundaries that you communicate are ones you are willing to enforce. Consistency is important in getting others to adhere to your boundaries.
- Show appreciation for being considered or asked in the first place.
Mastering the art of boundary setting requires a combination of clarity, empathy, active listening, and consistency. By balancing these elements effectively within our communication style we can foster respectful interactions built on understanding and mutual respect.
“To politely tell someone they are overstepping, be direct but respectful, clearly state the specific behavior that is concerning, explain how it makes you feel, and set a clear boundary about what you expect going forward; use phrases like “I appreciate your input, but on this particular issue, I’d like to make the decision myself” or “It feels like you’re stepping into an area that is my responsibility.” psychcentral.com
Mistakes We Make
Some of the mistakes below are my interpretation of mistakes identified by Abby Rawlinson.
Over-explaining
By explaining the rationale behind your boundary, you give the other person ammunition to argue against your boundary. Simply say it is what you need, or what works best for you. You don’t have to tell them why.
Being too ‘nice’
In my role of being nice, I have often sugar-coated my boundaries to avoid hurting other people’s feelings. So, I hurt myself by over-extending instead of hurting their feelings. When you sugar-coat, the boundaries become unclear and can leave people feeling confused about what you are requesting.
Phrasing your boundary as a question instead of a statement
Since we are uncomfortable telling people what we want, we often phrase is as a very tentative question. Boundaries, the solution, should be communicated as a statement.
Not setting a consequence for boundary violations
If you have not set a consequence for boundary violations, you may react in an unskillful way, instead of skillfully enforcing your boundary. Thinking about the consequence in advance is important as we don’t think as clearly when we are angry or feeling resentful. For example, if you begin to yell, I will leave the room.
Listening to your inner critic
Our inner critic tells us that our boundaries are not really necessary. It is just a small thing and won’t be too much of an imposition. You don’t set boundaries because you are believing the lies your brain is telling you. How if you say no to helping, you are selfish. That you are not worthy of time to yourself. How if they loved you, they would take care of you without you having to tell them what you want.
Ignoring messages from your body
But our body tells us when boundaries are needed. For example, when your friend asks you if she can help her move, how do you feel? Is there tightness in your chest? Do you feel resentment bubbling up?
Forgetting to set boundaries with yourself
Some of the most important boundaries we will ever set are the ones we set with ourselves. They can look like setting boundaries around the way we engage with work, our health, our self-talk, our money or our time.”