Empowering Your Inner Coach

Our inner critic often overshadows our inner coach, making it hard to hear the encouraging voice within us. To shift the balance, we can:

• Embrace feelings of joy, awe and gratitude
• Identify and manage our inner critic
• Cultivate our inner coach
• Let go of limiting beliefs

Embrace Feelings of Joy, Awe and Gratitude

Our brains are designed to be Teflon for the good and Velcro for the bad. We can retrain our brains by taking time to savor the good moments, allow ourselves to experience awe and to allow ourselves to sit with the feeling of unconditional love. This connects us with our inner goodness.

Take in the Good: Take time to savor the little joys of life by spending at least 30 seconds paying attention to the good in your life.

Awe: Slow down and allow your self to see the awe in a sunset, a loved one’s smile, the beauty of nature.

Practice Gratitude: Regularly express gratitude for your strengths, progress, and the support you receive. Gratitude helps maintain a positive outlook and reinforces the messages from your inner coach.

Identify and Manage Our Inner Critic

Feeling inadequate or flawed, despite an outwardly neat life, can be a struggle. Our inner critic is relentless, magnifying our imperfections and making us question our worth. We all struggle with feeling like we are broken, even those of us whose lives look neat on the outside.  Our inner critic would make Einstein look stupid and Mother Theresa look selfish.

Hal & Sidra Stone explain that our critic sees us as fundamentally flawed and fears that others will reject us. This critical voice can overwhelm us, making us feel helpless and unworthy, often shouting louder than the inner coach.

The loud voice of our inner critic encourages us to give up control.  “You will never be good enough, so why even bother.” The way our inner critic talks to us makes us question our ability to learn or grow. We think, “I can never change this.”  Our critic bullies us and makes us feel broken and helpless through all its scolding, shaming and faultfinding. Our inner critic yells and criticizes, but it does not help us solve the problem.

You will recognize when your inner critic is active by its harsh and demeaning tone. Notice physical signs like a racing heart, talking faster or louder, or tension in your body. The critic often emerges when you feel vulnerable, and its messages usually revolve around inadequacy or fault.

Notice the content, it is usually a variation of one of these themes:

• You have no business doing that
• You should be perfect at all times
• Normal people wouldn’t do this
• You only have problems because you are bad
• There is something wrong with you

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

Reflection

Jot down common messages from your inner critic.

This awareness helps you recognize its unhelpful nature and its tendency to shame rather than guide. I often yell at Billy, my inner critic, to leave me alone. He just keeps up his banter about how I am not good enough. It’s normal to fight your inner critic, but I found it doesn’t quiet him. Instead of resisting, which often strengthens the critic, respond with mindful language:

• “There’s some truth here, but it’s exaggerated.
• “This is an old message that’s no longer valid.”
• “This isn’t helpful; I don’t have to listen.”
• “I made a mistake; I’ll improve next time.”

Cultivate Your Inner Coach

Your inner coach is like a supportive friend who recognizes your potential and accepts your imperfections. It promotes a growth mindset and supports your creativity and resilience.

Reframe Self Talk

To strengthen this voice, note your inner critic’s messages and craft positive, compassionate responses. For instance:

• “I’m not good enough,” reply with, “My inner critic is active today.”
• “I’m so selfish,” respond with, “I’ve given my best today.”
• “I’m lazy,” say, “I deserve rest.”

Reflection

Select a common criticism from your inner critic. Develop a positive, nurturing counter-statement that encourages change in a kind manner.

Develop Self-Compassion

Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. This practice helps counteract the harshness of your inner critic and fosters a more nurturing inner dialogue. To develop self-compassion:

Practice Self-Kindness: When you make a mistake or face a setback, speak to yourself kindly. Instead of harsh self-criticism, which strengthened your judgment neuropathway, acknowledge the situation with understanding and patience.

“Be gentle with yourself. You’re doing the best you can.” – Unknown

Mindfulness: Be aware of your feelings and your judgments. Recognize when you’re being self-critical and gently redirect your thoughts toward a more compassionate perspective.

Common Humanity: Understand that everyone makes mistakes and experiences difficulties. Remind yourself that you’re not alone in your struggles.

Cultivate a Growth Mindset

A growth mindset helps you see challenges as opportunities for learning and improvement. This mindset encourages resilience and self-belief. To foster a growth mindset:

Embrace Challenges: View obstacles as chances to grow rather than as threats to your self-worth. Celebrate your efforts and progress, not just the outcomes.

Learn from Criticism: Use constructive feedback as a tool for growth. Instead of seeing it as a personal attack, see it as valuable information for your development.

Celebrate Effort: Recognize and reward your hard work and perseverance, regardless of the outcome. This reinforces the idea that effort leads to growth and success.

Build Inner Strength

Inner strength phrases are statements that reinforce your strengths and capabilities. They can help counter negative self-talk and build a positive self-image. To use affirmations effectively:

Choose Inner Strength Statements: Choose statements that resonate with your values and aspirations. Some of the building inner strength phrases may work for you. But if not create your own, such as “I am capable of overcoming challenges” or “I trust in my ability to grow and learn.”

Repeat Daily: Regularly affirm your strengths and abilities to internalize positive beliefs. Incorporate affirmations into your daily routine, such as during meditation, writing your gratitudes or while journaling.

Build a Support Network

Surrounding yourself with supportive people can reinforce the positive messages from your inner coach and provide encouragement when needed. To build a supportive network:

Seek Out Positive Influences: Connect with people who uplift and encourage you. Engage in relationships that nurture your growth and well-being.

Offer Support: Support others in their endeavors. Providing encouragement to others can strengthen your own resilience and reinforce positive self-beliefs.

Let Go of Limiting Beliefs

Transform limiting beliefs into empowering ones to weaken your inner critic and strengthen your inner coach.

Limiting Beliefs → Empowering Beliefs

• Not good enough → Perfectly imperfect and enough
• Must always be right → Relationships matter more than being right
• Must do everything → Boundaries are okay
• Not okay to ask for help → People enjoy helping me
• People won’t like me → Most people will like me; I’m okay either way

Turning up the volume on our inner coach is not a one and done.  You have strengthened the neuro pathways of your inner critic for years.  It will take time to weaken them, so they are not your automatic response. And you’ve been ignoring your inner coach for the same number of years. Building up your inner coach takes time and consistent effort, much like strengthening muscles at the gym.