Fierce Compassion: Pathways to Personal and Collective Well-Being

When love meets pain and stays loving, it turns into compassion. Compassion is a way of engaging with the fragile and unpredictable world. It grows from our ability to meet pain rather than flee from it. In order to be compassionate, you have to understand why the other person has done what they did. You have to see that they are victims of their own confusion, their own worldview, their own grieving, their own discrimination, their own lack of understanding and compassion. But that is very difficult to see if you can’t see it in yourself. So, developing compassion starts with developing self-compassion.

There are many near enemies of compassion, that is qualities that seem similar to compassion, but actually undermine it. Our sense of self may cause us to mistake the near enemies of compassion for compassion. If our sense of self is that we are a people pleaser, we are likely to have idiot compassion – enabling behaviors. If our sense of self is, like me, a know-it, do-it, fix-it-all, we distance ourselves from true compassion as see ourselves as the helper or the rescuer. If our sense of self is being superior, we take pity. And if our sense of self is being inferior, we freeze and do nothing.

Another common mistake people make with compassion is thinking they have to take on the suffering of another. Compassion is about relieving the suffering of the world, not adding to it. And if you take on the suffering of others, you won’t be at your best to take action.

Two Kinds of Compassion

Tender Compassion is soft, yielding, receptive and nurturing. Like a mother holding and comforting a crying baby. It involves “being with” ourselves in a comforting, soothing and accepting way. We care for and nurture ourselves. However, if we limit ourselves to tender compassion, we can end up being a doormat.

Fierce Compassion is firm, forceful, commanding and goal oriented. With fierce self-compassion, we act in the world to uphold our true self and stand up for our rights and needs. Think of it as having a backbone with the ability to set healthy boundaries. When our back is strong, we don’t need to harden or close-down our front. If we walk through the world with a soft back, we have very little stability in difficult times and often close our hearts.

“Fierce Compassion is the powerful, action-oriented side of caring that provides focus, motivation and protection when we struggle.” Kristen Neff

As we act to protect, provide for, or motivate ourselves, fierce self-compassion sometimes expresses itself as anger. If the fierce expression of anger is balanced with tender concern, it can be a healthy and constructive force. There are times when we need more tender self-compassion and other times when we need more fierce self-compassion, but we always need some of both.

“When we combine tender acceptance with fierce action, we can try to solve the world’s problems without simply adding to them”. Kristen Neff

Fierce compassion is characterized by strength, assertiveness, and a commitment to justice, distinguishing it from tender compassion, which is often more passive. It empowers individuals to take bold action in support of themselves and others.

“Power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic. Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice, and justice at its best is power correcting everything that stands against love.” Martin Luther King Jr.

Three Legs of the Compassion Stool

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a practice rooted in ancient traditions, particularly Buddhism. It involves being fully present in the moment and accepting your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Mindfulness is a state where we are aware, accepting, and non-judgmental as we can be of “what is” right now. It is seeing things as they are, no more, no less. This means that we need to see the suffering as it is. When we add our baggage and perceptions onto the experience, we may lean toward self-righteousness.

Meditation practices such as mindful breathing and body scans are essential for cultivating mindfulness, helping you connect with your thoughts and emotions. Meditation is a method through which we train our brains to be aware and concentrated. With meditation we see our minds going a million miles an hour without any effort on our part. We see that we tend to label and judge. We can take off our dark or rose colored glasses and see reality as it is.

Kindness

Self-kindness, begins with stopping the constant self-judgment and negative stories on our “top ten” list. But self-kindness involves more than merely stopping our inner critic. It includes actively comforting ourselves, just as we would to a dear friend. We can recognize that everyone has times when they blow it and treat ourselves kindly. For some of us, talking kindly to ourselves is like learning a new language. When I attended my meditation teacher training, Tara Brach would encourage us to say things like, “It’s OK sweetheart.” My thought was there is no way I can call myself sweetheart, that is too corny. Over time, as I practiced the language of kindness, it began to feel more familiar. In the past year, I have found myself calling myself sweetie.

Kindness is necessary because when we act out of our anger, not love, we are contracted and can’t see all the possible ways to reduce suffering.

“When we consistently give ourselves nurturance and understanding, we also come to feel worthy of care and acceptance. When we give ourselves empathy and support, we learn to trust that help is always at hand. When we wrap ourselves in the warm embrace of self-kindness, we feel safe and secure.” Kristin Neff

When faced with our human flaws, we can respond with kindness and care, or with judgment and criticism. Responding with kindness provides us the resources needed to cope with the challenges in life. Which neuropathway do you want to strengthen?

Common Humanity

Common humanity allows us to see the other person as human, not other. We see that they are perfectly imperfect. We know that everyone does things they regret, acts unskillfully and reacts instead of responds. We know that we are not the only ones who have failed, been made a fool of, been disappointed or rejected. Instead of pitying ourselves, we remember that everyone suffers. So instead of getting absorbed by feelings of not good enough, we see the bigger picture and more possibilities come into view.

The recognition of common humanity that is at the core of self-compassion requires that we’re neither self-focused nor other-focused. Instead, we use wisdom to see the larger whole and figure out what’s fair, balanced, and sustainable.

“Staying open and compassionate in whatever difficult circumstances we encounter.” Pema Chodron

The journey of mindfulness and fierce compassion offers profound pathways to personal and collective well-being. By embracing these practices, individuals can enrich their lives and contribute positively to their communities and the world.