From Drama to Empowerment

The Dreaded Drama Triangle, which we explored last session, perpetuates unhealthy patterns of interaction, preventing you from addressing your issues in a constructive manner. We want to break free from that dynamic. To do so we need to recognize when we are slipping into those roles and take actions so we can move out of those roles and respond in a more healthy, skillful way.  When we do that, we can foster more functional and empowering relationships.

The Victim is lesser than the Rescuer as the Rescuer has to swoop in and fix things for the Victim so the Rescuer can feel like they are more. The Persecutor has to put other people down, so they feel like they are more. The Dreaded Drama Triangle with the Victim, the Rescuer and the Persecutor keep us kind of stuck where we are. We can’t get out.

The Empowerment Dynamic (TED) is a model developed by David Emerald as a positive alternative to the Dreaded Drama Triangle. It focuses on transforming the roles within the Dreaded Drama Triangle into more empowering and constructive roles. Most of the content of this session comes from David Emerald and Donna Zajonc.

Creator Instead of Victim

Victim Role Description: The Victim feels like the world is out to get them, that they are helpless, and that they are unable to change their situation. The Victim is so focused on problems, they just want to vent.

Creator Role Description: The Creator takes responsibility for their own life and actively works towards solutions rather than focusing on problems. They view challenges as opportunities for growth and take proactive steps to achieve their goals. The Creator says, “Oh, I am dealing with a difficult person, here is an opportunity for me to practice and grow.”

Mindset: Rather than feeling powerless, Creators recognize their own agency and ability to make choices. They focus on what they can do to improve their situation rather than blaming external factors. Creators focus on what they have control over, victims focus on what they can’t control.

Move from Victim to Creator

Self-Awareness: If you are running on autopilot and someone does something to press your button, you automatically jump on the hamster wheel of reactivity. If you are self-aware, you recognize when you are slipping into the Victim role.  For me it is a feeling in my body. My body is tensing up and saying, “Pay attention something is happening here.” Then I can look at what is happening and see what stories I am telling myself and what I am believing. Amd I believing that I am not good enough? Am I believing that I am powerless? I can take the thoughts and feelings from below the line (unconscious) to above the line (conscious). Then I can have control over it. A Victim is jerked around by all the stuff that is below the line. As they are not aware, they can’t do anything about it.

Personal Responsibility: Once you can see it, you can take personal responsibility for it. You can accept that you screwed up and are in a pickle. You can choose what you are going to do to get yourself out. Rather than saying, “Oh boy, the world is out to get me and this happened again.” When I take responsibility, I can problem solve.

Present Moment Focus: Moving to the Creator requires us to be in the present moment. You can’t fix problems by ruminating on the past. If you spend your life rehearsing the future, you are not taking action in the present moment to impact your future. When I need to come back to the present moment, I feel my feet on the ground. It helps bring me back, “Oh yeah, I’m here right not, I’m not off there in the future.”

Self-Compassion: If we are so busy beating ourselves up over the mistakewe made, we can’t fix the mistake. We need to take a moment to say, “I screwed up.” Maybe put a hand on our heart to calm our sympathetic nervous system. And then we can move to problem solving. If we are beating ourselves up about how this always happens to me, we can’t be a Creator. We will stay in the Victim Role

When your Creator essence is emerging: 

• You wake up to what you care about. 
• You take responsibility for your own actions and begin again.
• You begin to make friends with yourself. We can’t be creative when we are all tense and tight and looking for the other shoe to drop. If we relax, we can be creative. Why do you think people have such great ideas in the shower? Because that is where they are relaxed.
• Shift from “I can’t.” to “What can I do?”

Coach Instead of Rescuer

Rescuer Role Description: Rescuers often gain satisfaction by identifying with their care-taking role. They are generally proud of what “helpers” and “fixers” they are. The Rescuer is not really helping the Victim, they are keeping the Victim down so they can rescue them.

Coach Role Description: The Coach supports and encourages others without taking over their problems or solutions. They let you know they are not taking over your problem, and they are not giving you solutions. They are helping you see what the problem is so you can figure out the solution yourself.  They are there to support you can cheerlead for you. They help individuals find their own answers and develop their own skills, fostering independence and self-reliance.

Mindset: Coaches aim to empower others by asking insightful questions and providing guidance, rather than doing things for them. They respect others’ ability to solve their own problems and grow from their experiences.

Move from Rescuer to Coach

Boundaries: Mindfulness helped me to become aware of my needs and limits. When I was working, I did so many other people’s jobs without them asking me to do it. I didn’t set boundaries. People were not appreciative because I was doing something that they could do. Why was I sticking my nose in their job? You need to define a boundary, what should I be doing and what should you be doing. The boundary does not need to be in cement, but at least it should be in the sand. I am starting to see when I’m taking on too much or enabling others. When I can see it, it is above the line. Then I can choose what to do, instead of staying on the hamster wheel of fixing whether they want me to or not.

Intentions: Intentions are so important. All of our intentions are marbled. While I want to help, I also want to be the hero rescuing people. By seeing this, I can reflect on my true motivation and downplay my need for validation or control. Am I doing this to help or am I doing this to make myself superior?

Listening: To be a good Coach, we have to learn how to listen. Typically, as a Rescuer, I would listen long enough until I thought I knew the problem (or when a solution popped in my head). So sometimes my solution wasn’t even to the problem they had, it was to the problem I thought they had. We need to learn to listen to understand rather than listen to fix or give advice. If we listen while they talk it through, they may solve their own problem.

Non-Judgmental Support: We also need to work on our judgment. We think I do things better so I will just do it. We want to use wise discernment to give them constructive criticism, we don’t want to put them down. A Rescuer feels better than, but as a Coach, you are equals. I am not better than you, I am the same as you and together we can figure this out.

When You’re a Coach:

• You encourage others to find their own solutions rather than enabling dependency. 
• You don’t feel the need to rescue people to prove your worth. That is a hard one for me. If I am taking care of everyone, then I am worthy. If they are taking care of themselves, then what is my self-worth?
• You ask open-ended questions intended to help the individual find their own answers and make informed choices.
• You listen to understand instead of to fix or give advice.

Challenger Instead of Persecutor

Persecutor Role Description: The Persecutor’s insecurity makes them want to be in control. They will fall into criticizing and blaming, instead of being supportive to the Victim. It is kind of what the bully does on the playground. They put others down so they can feel good about themselves and look better to others.

Challenger Role Description: The Challenger provides constructive feedback in a respectful and supportive way. They challenge others to grow and improve by offering honest, yet empathetic, input. You challenge a baby to walk by encouraging them. The Challenger also holds people accountable. I ask friends if they would like me to hold them accountable. It is uncomfortable for me to do it. But when I do, I can celebrate with them or commiserate with them as needed. I can encourage them to begin again.

Mindset: Challengers focus on being supportive rather than critical. They encourage others to stretch beyond their comfort zones and work towards their potential, without resorting to blame or control.

Move from Persecutor to Challenger

Empathy: Challengers encourage others to grow by providing honest, yet empathetic feedback. Empathetic is the key word. It doesn’t do any good to say, “You are such a jerk, you really screwed that up.” That may be honest input, but it is not empathetic. Instead, at a time when the person can hear it (that is not when they are beating themselves up) you say, “Here is what you can improve on.” Instead of asking “Why did you do that you idiot?” you say, “What cause you to do something out of character or unskillful?” See the difference?

Self-Regulation: If you don’t want to be a Persecutor, you have to know what triggers turn on that Persecutor role in you. You also need to get to know your automatic emotional reactions, so you can decide whether to react or to pause and choose a different response.

Constructive Feedback: We are not taught to give constructive feedback, giving feedback in a thoughtful, respectful manner. The way we give feedback is going to be dependent on who we are giving feedback to.  Some people you do have to hit over the head with a baseball bat. Others if you even whisper it, it is devasting  for them. So you need to determine how you can give the feedback people need at a time and in a way that they can listen to it.

When You’re a Challenger

• Focus on how to support others’ growth rather than tearing them down.
  • Encourage rather than blame.
  • Hold others accountable in a respectful manner.

Overall Benefits of Moving from the DDT to TED

Emotional Regulation: Mindfulness helps all individuals in the triangle manage their emotions more effectively. When you don’t jump on the hamster wheel of reactivity, you can take the time to see the big picture and develop more thoughtful responses.

Perspective-Taking: You’ll can gain a better understanding of different perspectives, which can help in resolving conflicts and shifting out of the drama roles.

Breaking Patterns: Observing patterns of behavior without judgment is a first step in breaking out of the Drama Triangle. When you don’t automatically jump on the hamster wheel of reactivity, you can adopt healthier interaction patterns which lead to more effective and collaborative problem-solving.

Increased Resilience: Embracing the Empowerment Dynamic helps you to be more resilient in the face of challenges, as you focus on what you can control and how you can grow from difficulties.

By shifting from the Drama Triangle to the Empowerment Dynamic, you can transform your interactions and approach challenges in a more constructive and positive manner.