Listening to Understand and Love

What are the qualities of a really good listener

• Openness to different viewpoints
• Interest in the thoughts, experiences and feelings
• Not continually bringing the conversation back to yourself
• Caring about the other person
• Quietness, inner silence that makes room for what is being spoken
• Receptivity
• Nonjudgmental

Listening takes a combination of intention and attention. The intention part is having a genuine interest in the other person—their experiences, views, feelings, and needs. The attention part is being able to stay present, open, and unbiased as we receive the other’s words—even when they don’t line up with our own ideas or desires. Attention is a willingness just to be there and share stories. 

The energy of irritation, anger or other negative feelings also pulls our attention away from listening.  If you are suffering, you can’t be there for others.  In that case the best immediate practice is to breath in and out to calm yourself.  If you cannot calm yourself, postpone the conversation to a time when you can be calm. This allows you to have compassion the whole time you are listening.

Unless we look deeply into ourselves, deep listening will not be easy.  It requires us to give up preconceived ideas, judgments, and desires. So being good at listening requires the ability to listen to yourself. If you can’t recognize your own beliefs and opinions, needs and fears, you won’t have enough inner space to really hear anyone else. Listening to others requires quieting some of the voices that already exist within us. When this happens, there is space not only for the voices of others but for our own truest voice. So, the foundation for mindful listening is self-awareness.

True listening requires a deep respect and a genuine curiosity about situations.  The intention is not to judge, criticize, condemn, or evaluate, but to listen with the single purpose of helping the other person suffer less. I think there is another wholesome intention: that is to listen with the intent to be changed by what you hear, especially when you are speaking with someone with a different viewpoint.

“When we think we already know what there is to hear, we are simply moving a little too fast to really listen—That’s where meditation comes in.”  Mirabai Bush 

If you listen only with half an ear, you cannot relieve suffering.  Preoccupation with wants, fears and stress keep us from being present.  The stronger our wants and the fears, the more we focus only on what we can see with our flashlight. We can’t turn on our floodlight to see the bigger picture. We listen with bias, making up our minds before we hear the full story. Or we connect everything the other person says to our own experience without considering their perspective. We then make well-meaning comments that do not honor the uniqueness of the other’s person’s thoughts or feelings, such as, “I know what you’re going through.”

Listen to how you listen by David Rome

1. Check inside: “How am I feeling just now? Is there anything getting in the way of being present for the other person?” If something is in the way, decide if it needs to be addressed first or can wait till later.
2. Feeling your own sense of presence, extend it to the other person with the intention to listen fully and openly, with interest, empathy, and mindfulness.
3. Silently note your own reactions as they arise—thoughts, feelings, judgments, memories. Then return your full attention to the speaker.
4. Reflect back what you are hearing, using the speaker’s own words when possible, paraphrasing or summarizing the main point. Help the other person feel heard.
5. Use friendly, open-ended questions to clarify your understanding and probe for more. Affirm before you differ. Acknowledge the other person’s point of view—acknowledging is not agreeing!—before introducing your own ideas, feelings, or requests.

According to Georgie Nightingall, the deepest level of listening is listening for experiences, feelings, motivations, and values. That kind of listening is more than simply hearing. It’s paying attention and endeavoring to understand. It is demonstrated with eye contact, echoing, and paraphrasing, and it can be deepened by asking clarifying questions that help the person get to the heart of the matter. 

“In other words, at this level of listening, you are not simply listening for something you want to talk about, or offering advice, or trying to think of something smart to say in response. It’s not about your agenda. It is a level of engagement that is about helping your partner get to what they really want to talk about, and you going along for the ride. You still want to talk about yourself a bit, to give a little, and not leave the person feeling like you’ve just rummaged around in the bureau of their personal life and made off with a watch. But you want most of the focus to be on them. It is, again, a form of hospitality. You are hosting someone. You are surrendering a measure of control. You are giving them space.” Georgie Nightingall

When we have an agenda, we are not able to hear what is being said – our flashlight is on and we cannot see the full picture. Possible agendas include:

• We want the other person to experience us in a certain way
• We sense someone is better or more important – the more static
• We want to conversation to go in a specific direction
• We want to fix or control the other person
• We want to get back to what we were doing
• We have too much on our ToDo list
• We want to get something to eat

“True listening requires a deep respect and a genuine curiosity about situations as well as a willingness just to be there and share stories. Listening opens the space, allows us to hear what needs to be done in that moment. It also allows us to hear when it is better not to act, which is sometimes a hard message to receive.”  Mirabai Bush

Everyone needs understanding and acceptance.   So, if you really love someone, train yourself to be a deep listener.