Looking Below the Line: What Roles Do You Play in the Dreaded Drama Triangle?

The Dreaded Drama Triangle is a concept introduced by Stephen Karpman in the 1960s. Much of this talk is based on what I have learned from Devid Emerald and Donna Zajonc. The DDT is a model that outlines a dysfunctional social dynamic involving three roles:

1. Victim – “Poor me!”
2. Persecutor – “It’s all your fault”
3. Rescuer – “You need me to help you”

While you may have a role you gravitate to more frequently, you shift between these roles depending on the situation and who you are dealing with. These are roles that people unconsciously play or try to manipulate other people to play. They are not referring to the actual circumstances in someone’s life. We are not talking about a firefighter when we talk about the rescuer role. And we are not talking about a victim of a crime when we talk about the victim role.

We will be exploring the toxic nature of these roles, and how they perpetuate unhealthy patterns of interactions and keep us stuck. These roles focus on fixing a problem with emphasis on what they don’t like or want. Because of this orientation, when you play these roles, you see others as a problem to react to.

How did you start playing these roles? Your ego made up strategies to manage your anxiety about things you didn’t want or like. At some point in your life, playing that role helped you to cope and maybe even to survive. But if these roles are the only strategies you use to get you through life, the roles keep you from being your best self. It is not that they are “bad,” but that they keep you from using more creative ways to work with your life’s challenges.

If we can become aware of these roles as they arise, we can transform them. So today we will get acquainted with the roles, and next session we will learn how to transform them into more empowering roles

You cannot change what you cannot see. If these roles are below the line, they will jerk you around. But if you can observe these roles when they arise, you can shift your relationship to those parts of yourself. Then, you can choose how you want respond to the drama you are experiencing.

Let’s explore each role:

Victim

The Victim feels like the world is out to get them, that they are helpless, and that they are unable to change their situation. Often their feelings of shame paralyze them. They come across as very sensitive, needing kid glove treatment. They don’t take any responsibility for their negative circumstances as they feel like they are at the mercy of the external environment. They don’t believe they have the power to change their circumstances, so instead of taking positive action, they seek sympathy or support from others.

As victims have real difficulties making decisions, solving problems, finding much pleasure in life, or understanding their self-perpetuating behaviors, they tend not to be resilient.When you fall into the Victim role, there is a “deficiency story” of feeling not being enough or being powerless to get what you want.

I’ve told the “deficiency story” many times in my life. My marriage failed because I was not enough. When I feel like I am not enough, I do things so that I feel like I am enough. In my marriage, I was so busy taking care of the kids, working, cleaning, and cooking that I had no energy left for my husband. I definitely did not understand my self-perpetuating behavior. I did not take responsibility for the negative circumstances in my marriage. How could I be wrong when I was doing so much. I also could not make decisions, what if I chose something he did not want.

Rescuer

The role I gravitate to most often is the Rescuer. In order to feel like I was enough, I was driven by a need to help others. So, I often took on the role of solving problems for the Victim. While I did this out of a genuine desire to help, my intention was marbled with reinforcing my self-worth. There were times I offered help that was not asked for or needed, probably making the victim feel even more helpless.

The stance of the rescuer is “You need me to help you!” As a Rescuer, I worked hard to help and caretake other people. I had to make sure people felt good about themselves. I did this while neglecting my own needs, thus burning myself out and feeling resentful.

“Rescuers often gain satisfaction by identifying with their care-taking role. They are generally proud of what “helpers” and “fixers” they are. Often they are socially acclaimed, even rewarded, for what can be seen as “selfless acts” of caring. They believe in their goodness as chief caretakers and see themselves as heroes.” Lynne Forrest

Rescuers are classically co-dependent and enablers. They need victims to help and often can’t allow the victim to succeed or get better. They can use guilt to keep their victims dependent and feel guilty themselves if they are not rescuing somebody.

“Behind it all is a magical belief, “If I take care of them long enough, then, sooner or later, they will take care of me, too.” Common phrases for the martyred rescuer are, “After all I’ve done for you, this is the thanks I get?” or “No matter how much I do, it’s never enough;” or “If you loved me, you wouldn’t treat me like this!” Lynne Forrest

You are playing the Rescuer role if you:

• Take on more work or duties, even when others are responsible
• You attract others who seem incapable or unwilling to help themselves
• There’s always some crisis needing your help
• You feel as though you have let others down if you were not able to take away their suffering, or fix their problems

I can tell you from experience, the feeling of being indispensable is intoxicating. But at the same time, you are so busy meeting other people’s needs, you don’t have the time or energy to meet your own.

My Rescuer thought process was: “If I ask for help, I am needy and helpless. Therefore, asking means I am not enough. So, I will prove I’m enough by helping others.”

I learned that trying to prove I am enough by helping others doesn’t work.  You can never do enough for people, and they will begin to take your efforts for granted. Sometimes they will not appreciate your efforts because they didn’t really want your help in the first place.

There’s a fine line between being helpful and over-functioning. Once you slip into over-functioning mode, you relinquish your ability to choose your response in any given moment. Your craving to take charge and ensure that all goes smoothly becomes reaction instead of a conscious choice. 

Persecutor

If you are full of self-judgment, like me, you will also play the Persecutor role. You will fall into criticizing and blaming. The stance of the persecutor is “It’s all your fault!” Thus, instead of being supportive to the Victim, they attack or belittle.

When you are in the Persecutor role, your insecurity may make you want to be in control. My need to always be right often put me in the Persecutor role. At work I came across as authoritative and dominating. Other Persecutors may come across as rigid, critical, angry or unpleasant. They enforce rules or standards that are rigid and maybe unfair. This gives them a feeling of superiority, but at the same time contributes to the Victim’s sense of helplessness. You will know you are in the Persecutor role if you find yourself: bullying, preaching, threatening, blaming, lecturing, interrogating, and outright attacking.

In terms of resilience, persecutors can’t bend, can’t be flexible, can’t be vulnerable, can’t be human; it is not OK to be perfectly imperfect. Because they fear the risk of being a victim themselves. They deny their vulnerability in the same way rescuers deny their needs. Persecutors yell and criticize but they don’t actually solve any problems or help anyone else solve the problem.

We looked at the toxic nature of these roles, and how they perpetuate unhealthy patterns of interactions and keep us stuck. Next session we will explore how to transform these toxic roles into empowering ones.

Mindfulness can be a powerful tool for breaking free from these roles. In essence, mindfulness provides tools for self-awareness, emotional regulation, and healthier interactions, making it easier to step out of the Drama Triangle and foster more balanced, constructive relationships.