“Pay attention to the inner sensibility; otherwise, you are adapting to the world as a chameleon to what others think you should be.” Dan Siegel
Often people’s biggest regret, when they are dying, is that they did not live true to themselves. They were chameleons who lived up to other people’s expectations, not really what truly mattered to them. When we ignore our true selves, it eats away at our sense of identity and purpose. Our curated-self sabotages us. The problem is that we speed through life, not giving ourselves a chance to feel our hearts.
Over the years, society has pulled us away from our true selves. We pile on layer after layer of roles we need to play, expectations we need to meet, how we need to look, and how we should feel. We become chameleons, being who others expect us to be. When we don’t shed the expectations that no longer work, our authentic self gets buried deeper and deeper. We are so accustomed to the identities thrust upon us that we don’t even realize we are wearing layers of masks. We begin to think that is who we are. But it’s not who we are; it’s who we were needed to be at some point in time. It is who we think we need to be to fit in and belong.
“True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” Brene Brown
Sometimes I am plagued by feelings of unworthiness and self-doubt. I feel like I have to be different from who I am in order to be loved. So for much of my life, I was a chameleon. The problem is, being a chameleon drains my energy and keeps me from living the life I want to live.
If I look back to my first marriage, I spent years trying to be who I thought he wanted me to be. But after having kids, that got to be too exhausting. I couldn’t be who I thought I was supposed to be. And I was not even right about what he wanted me to be. Today with each of us living more our authentic selves, my daughter-in-law said she could not picture us ever being married; we are so different.
“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we actually are.” Brene Brown
When I am not living authentically, I feel like I have a hole in my soul, and chocolate doesn’t help fill it. I feel the need to keep striving for something more. When I can live with who I am at my core, not who the world told me to be, that hole doesn’t feel so large. And life is not so exhausting.
I think five steps helped me uncover my authentic self.
- Defining My North Star
- Recognizing and Allowing My Feelings
- Balancing My Energy and Effort
- Listening to My Inner Nurturer
- Deciding on the Next Best Step
Defining My North Star
To define your North Star, you may start with Mary Oliver’s question in her poem The Summer Day:
Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
The first step was defining my North Star, setting the compass of my life. We often think we see clearly, but our perceptions are distorted by who we think we are. So even when we want to change, we hold onto that image and unconsciously work against the changes we want to make in our lives. It is pretty easy for us to fall into unconscious patterns to soothe ourselves, even when we know those habits are pulling us off the path to our authentic self.
In my meditation teacher training, I was given the gift of space to honestly look at myself, set my heart’s direction, and how I wanted to live my life. Something my authentic self could commit to regardless of external circumstances. It allowed me to see that what once seemed critical was not really important, but it was still a driving force in my life. In 2017 I re-defined my North Star, and it remains my North star today.
“Take off the mask of doing and knowing. Have the courage to open myself to uncertainty, suffering, and impermanence. In doing so, I will find true intimacy. Know that I have loving awareness in me that I can draw on.”
Recognizing and Admitting
Once we have found our North Star, our thinking can become more proficient. We can see how our old stories limit us and hold us back. It is being aware of our habits and avoiding thoughts of clinging, hatred, and harmful intent. We may see where our intentions are marbled with wanting and fear.
Recognition is seeing what is true in your inner life. It starts the minute you focus your attention on whatever thoughts, emotions, feelings, or sensations are arising right here and now. As your attention settles and opens, you will discover that some parts of your experience are easier to connect with than others. Call on your natural curiosity as you focus inward. Try to let go of any preconceived ideas and instead listen in a kind, receptive way to your body and heart.
Reflection
- What makes you happy?
Not all of our thoughts, emotions, feelings or sensations make us happy. Admit that you have less than desirable thoughts, emotions, feelings, or sensations and “let them be”. You may feel a natural sense of aversion, of wishing that unpleasant feelings would go away, but as you become more willing to be present with “what is,” a different quality of attention will emerge.
Reflection
- As you look over the past year, what didn’t go as well as you would have liked?
- What has weighed your heart down?
It is really hard to just let unpleasant sensations or thoughts be. You may want to whisper an encouraging phrase. You may say, “Yes, this is happening.” Or “this to” or “I can be with this.” At first you might feel you’re just “putting up” with unpleasant emotions or sensations. In reality, we have to consent again and again. Yet even the first gesture of allowing, simply whispering a phrase like “yes” or “I can be with this” begins to soften the harsh edges of your pain. Your entire being is not so resistant. Offer the phrase gently and patiently, and in time your defenses will relax, and you may feel a physical sense of yielding or opening to waves of experience.
“People often swerve away from their dreams to avoid risking experiences they dread…The edges of the experiences we fear form a kind of invisible force that limits the life we allow ourselves to have.” Rick Hanson
Energy and Effort
Even if we have charted our North Star, we need make the effort to reflect on our aspirations regularly. Remember where attention goes, energy flows. And we will need the energy to get there.
Too much effort can be as detrimental to change as not enough effort. When we try too hard, we lose the energy we need to keep moving forward. The path towards our North Star is a marathon, not a sprint. When we are meditating, we use just the effort needed to bring ourselves back to the present moment. In life, it is just the effort required to pause so we can respond rather than react.
Listening to Our Inner Nurturer
Our speech can move us along on our path, or it can derail us. To go in the right direction, we need to stop and listen to our inner nurturer instead of our inner critic. Our inner nurturer speaks very softly, sending subtle guidance via the gut, the heart, or a more profound knowing.
Our inner critic encourages imposter syndrome, that sense of feeling fake, with an accompanying worry that people will find out we are not really that good. For most of us, our inner critic has lived past its sell-by date, we no longer need that harsh voice haranguing us at every turn. We can employ reason, reflection, and compassion to navigate the challenges of our lives.
Your inner nurturer is the part of you that acts like a best friend. It accepts that you are an imperfect human being, and that it is normal to make mistakes. It speaks to you in a soft, compassionate way, unlike the harsh, belittling tone of the inner critic.
Reflection
- What is your inner nurturer telling you is the most important thing for 2025?
- What makes your heart sing?
- How do you want to grow in your life?
- What would make your life more of what you want it to be?
- What is your best intention for the kind of friend you want to be?
The Best Next Step
If we have slowed down enough to see reality and think about our options, we will choose actions and situations that align us with our North Star. We will act in ways that reduce suffering rather than increase it. Oprah’s advice for skillful action is:
“Before you agree to do anything that might add even the smallest amount of stress to your life, ask yourself: What is my truest intention? Give yourself time to let a yes resound within you. When it’s right, I guarantee that your entire body will feel it.” Oprah
Before acting, we take a mindful pause in which we consider whether that action will move us along our path or pull us away from the course. There are many activities we can incorporate into our daily lives. Being your authentic self allows you to choose actions that use all your skills, talents, and wisdom. It’s doing things that are uniquely you. Your actions arise from who you are, not what you believe you are supposed to do.
Reflection
- What choice will create peace within me?
- What action is the most loving to me and others?
“Being authentic means loving who you love, pursuing the stuff you’re interested in, laughing at the shit you find funny, and fighting for what you think is right. Being authentic also means giving yourself permission to change your mind, to make mistakes, to be a jerk, to beg forgiveness, to be sad, lonely, stupid, and lazy.” Jen Sincero