Strong Back, Soft Front

Sometimes meditation is hard because we feel anxious or restless. At the retreat I recently attended, my mind was very restless. I didn’t just have puppy dog mind, I had triple puppy dog mind. Sitting meditation was a struggle as I kept ruminating and having to bring my attention back to my breath. When that didn’t work, I tried a body scan. That didn’t work either. Lucky for me, the next session was instruction on Standing Meditation.

Standing Meditation

If you want to get a break from a scattered mind and stressful moods, it could be as easy as literally standing on your own two feet. If you’d like to meditate but feel challenged by the idea of sitting still with nothing to do … some standing could be a manageable way to get started. Ajahn Suicitto

When standing, the body automatically focuses on establishing groundedness and balance: your feet and legs come into alignment with the spine in a relaxed but alert way. And that of course affects your mind.

The Zen meditation teacher Joan Halifax refers to this fierce stance as having a “strong back and soft front.” When we hold our backs tall without being shut down, defensive, or rigid, we can take action in a way that’s most effective.

“When we cultivate a strong back and soft front within ourselves, we can weather the storms of life with strength, wisdom, grace, and an open heart.” Roshi Joan Halifax

Many of us have a strong front to protect ourselves. I built a brick wall in front of me to keep me from being rejected or hurt. That strong front was based on fear. And my back was weak, I had almost no boundaries. I was a people pleaser. To protect myself, I closed my heart. I resisted life as it was by sweeping anything negative under the carpet. The brick wall I created felt like protection, but actually it cut me off from potential friendships, and did not allow me the courage to be my true self. I gave other people the power to dictate how I felt. Keeping my brick wall intact took up a lot of energy and kept be from becoming my best self.

“All too often, our so called strength comes from fear, not love. Instead of having a strong back many of us have a defended front shielding a weak spine. In other words we walk around brittle and defensive, trying to conceal our lack of confidence. If we strengthen our backs, metaphorically speaking we will develop a spine that is flexible but sturdy. Then we can risk having a front that is soft and open. How can we give and accept care with strong back, soft front compassion moving past fear to a place of tenderness? I believe it comes when we can be truly transparent, seeing the world clearly, and letting the world see into us.” Roshi Joan Halifax

Strong Back

If you want to be engaged in life, it helps to have a strong back. I’m not talking about physical strength, but inner resilience. It means having developed the skills to maintain a calm mind so we can: bounce back from setbacks, adapt to change and remain grounded in difficult situations. With a strong back, you can gracefully let go when it is appropriate.

“A strong back is about stability and our capacity to uphold ourselves, especially during difficult times. It means we are cultivating an ability to maintain a calm mind with emotional and mental stability. It enables us to be grounded, rooted, and strong while remaining flexible, adaptable, and open to change.” Roshi Joan Halifax

“A strong back does not expect it to always be easy or comfortable but does It also knows that there is great strength in kindness and gentleness, and the importance of trading the need to be right for being kind.” Brene Brown

You can’t have a strong back without trust. You need to trust you have the wisdom to know what is most skillful for you, and the strength to stand up for holding your needs on par with the needs of others.

“A strong back is about trusting your own self-worth over needing to be liked, validated or accepted by others. It’s about being able to drop the need to please, prove and pretend. Instead of letting other people silence you, it’s about growing strong enough to step into your own truth with resilience, compassion, self-love and self-respect.” Claire Charter

It is hard to strengthen our back when we are so concerned about what other people think. Brene Brown says that perfecting, pleasing, proving, and pretending get in the way of the strong back. She encourages us to use BRAVING to strengthen out courage muscle.

Boundaries: Learning to set, hold, and respect boundaries. The challenge is letting go of being liked and the fear of disappointing people.
Reliability: Learning how to say what we mean and mean what we say. The challenge is not overcommitting and overpromising to please others or prove ourselves.
Accountability: Learning how to step up, be accountable, take responsibility, and issue meaningful apologies when we’re wrong. The challenge is letting go of blame and staying out of shame.
Vault: Learning how to keep confidences, to recognize what’s ours to share and what’s not. The challenge is to stop using gossip, common enemy intimacy, and oversharing as a way to hotwire connection.
Integrity: Learning how to practice our values even when it’s uncomfortable and hard. The challenge is choosing courage over comfort in those moments.
Nonjudgment: Learning how to give and receive help. The challenge is letting go of “helper and fixer” as our identity and the source of our self-worth.
Generosity: Learning how to set the boundaries that allow us to be generous in our assumptions about others.” Brene Brown

Soft Front

Having a soft front requires mindfulness to see what is actually happening, curiosity to see the big picture, and self-compassion so we can be vulnerable. If we are judgmental, we can’t be tender to ourselves. Instead of accepting reality, we will tense up and become defensive.

“The soft front is about opening to things as they are. It’s about accepting life as it is rather than longing or worrying about the future and wishing things were different. Cultivating this quality within ourselves enables us to remain open to life without shutting down or collapsing.” Roshi Joan Halifax

If you are like me, you have experienced times when you have closed your heart and shut down. We put on a mask, or if we are really afraid, we construct a brick wall. With the wisdom we have gained in our life, we can see that the mask or brick wall causes suffering and prevents us from being our best self.

To soften our front, we need to go to the edge of our comfort zone and soften over and over. We practice being vulnerable, when it is safe to do so, thus growing our vulnerability neuropathway. When we can be vulnerable, we stay open to what is instead of closing down and attaching or defending.

“If we embrace vulnerability we will soften the front, which then ultimately makes us stronger. For when we are willing to open ourselves up, expose our emotions and experience vulnerability we also have the power to become more courageous than we ever imagined.” Brene Brown

Reflection

Sit for a moment and let the concept of a strong back and soft front sink into your being. What does it mean to you to have a strong back and a soft front?

A strong back knows your worth, your values, your boundaries, your desires and your needs. A soft front opens your heart for vulnerability, curiosity and compassion. With a strong back, soft front, you can trust that you are supported by yourself if not by others. You can live your truth and be exactly who it is that you want to be.