“A few stories are sinking ships, and many of us go down with these ships even when the lifeboats are bobbing all around us… We think we tell stories, but stories often tell us, tell us to love or to hate, to see or to be blind. Often, too often, stories saddle us, ride us, whip us onward, tell us what to do and we do it without questioning.” Rebecca Solnit
If you prefer to listen
Our brains are designed to have thoughts; we have 2,100-3,300 thoughts each hour. Most of the thoughts we have are reruns of stories we play in our minds. We rehash the past as if playing the story in our mind for the 50th time will change the ending.
When we look closely at our stories, we find that many of them are figments of our imagination. We think we remember accurately, but our brains are not video recorders. We take still pictures and fill in the blanks. Some stories start as replays of the monologues of your parents, or caregivers. Other stories come from our inner critic who is so worried that we will fail that it is constantly trying to fix us. Many of our stories were helpful at some time in our past, we continue to replay them despite the fact that they are no longer helpful.
The story I was telling myself was that I was not enough. So, I felt I had to know everything and do everything in order to be enough. It had me running around like crazy trying to do everything for everyone and to know everything. That left no time for developing and cultivating friendships.
The stories we tell ourselves influence our thoughts, words, and behaviors. They are the blueprint on which we build our lives. Our stories influence whether we are happy, sad, anxious, calm, angry or whatever. They may make us feel like we are not okay, not enough, a failure or not lovable. The more we play that story, the stronger the feeling. And if we are not careful, our stories will limit the future we create.
Steps to Take Control of Your Stories
- Notice the Story Arising
- Change the Focus of Your Attention
- Investigate the Story
- Let Go of the Story
- Rewrite Your Story
- Start Living Your New Story
Notice the Story Arising
We have a whole drama department in our head, and the casting director is indiscriminately handing out the roles of inner dictators and judges, adventurers and prodigal sons, heroes, and victims. We have these stories going on in our heads telling us how horrible we are, we eat too much, we are fat and lazy, and we will never be able to meditate. We listen to those stories until we somehow come to believe that these ruminations, judgments, and worries are an accurate representation of reality. What they really are, are just thought bubbles, figments of our imagination.
There will be a feeling in your body that goes with the “I can’t believe I did that” thought. Noticing this feeling and underlying thought gets you more than halfway there. Meditation helps us to slow down so we can see more of our mental chatter. We learn to notice when thoughts arise, see our habit patterns and our regrets, and feel our body sensations, so we bring them to our awareness.
When we recognize that our mind has produced a story, we can notice it, just like we do during meditation. We can remind ourselves we are telling a story. And we can choose to interrupt the story, so the neural pathways don’t get stronger. If we don’t change the focus of our attention, it is likely that the tension in the story will increase, making it harder for us to pull our attention away from it. We will be on the hamster wheel of reactivity.
Reflection
Think of a story you are telling yourself that limits you. Choose a story that is not too upsetting so we can build the skill. It may be:
- That you can’t be happy until…
- That self-care is selfish and indulgent.
- How you can’t stop your anger, jealousy, or anxiety.
- It may be something a parent, guardian or partner told you.
Ask yourself the following questions:
- What sensations am I feeling in my body? When did I first feel those sensations?
- Where did this story come from? Is this my story or someone else’s?
Change the Focus of Your Attention
As soon as we notice a story coming up in our mind, we have a choice. Do I want to continue telling the story? Do I want to change the focus of my attention? Do I want to distract myself?
When we choose to change the focus of our attention, we can bring our attention back to the breath, like we do in meditation. Here are some Breath Poems and Breath Practices you may find helpful. You will need to practice your chosen Breath Poem or Breath Practice regularly to strengthen the neural pathway.
Sometimes the Breath Poems or Breath Practices don’t work. So, we need to distract ourselves because we don’t have the strength at the moment to deal with the discomfort from that story. Or maybe we’re at a party, or in the grocery store and it is just not the right time for us to be dealing with it. So, we may choose some other activity to shift the focus of our attention to. Be careful with distractions, they may start out as medicine, but if we rely on them too heavily, they can become addictions.
Look through the breath poems and practices for one that you can use as an anchor. Something to switch your attention to. Commit to practice that breath practice or poem to strengthen the neural pathway. That way it becomes more automatic for you to switch the focus of your attention to is.
Discuss what activities you can use when the breath practices don’t work, and you need to distract yourself. It may be changing your activity like putting on some music, picking up a book, turning on a movie, going for a walk, or calling someone. If you can’t think of how to distract yourself now, while you are relatively calm, how will you decide when you are upset? It is important that you distract yourself rather than let the story play out, because you don’t want that neuropathway to get any stronger.