Becoming a Mindful Listener

You know that you're in the presence of a good listener when you get that sweet, affirming feeling of really being heard. How many times in your life have you felt that where you're really being heard? The person's really paying attention to you. It doesn't happen all that frequently.

 What Makes a Good Listener?

What are the qualities of a really good listener?

• Openness to whatever is being said
• Not leading the conversation in a specific direction.  You have probably experienced talking with someone and they keep pushing the conversation over here when you want to go over there.
• Showing care by confirming you understood what was said before adding your two cents
• Quietness: An inner silence that makes room for what is being spoken. You stop your own thinking and your talking until they have expressed what they are feeling. And this may take some patience if they are talking in a roundabout way.
• Showing interest by asking probing questions. Your job as a listener is to ask questions to help the person understand what they're thinking.
• Willingness to be changed by what you hear: Sometimes we go into a conversation with someone who's has different views from us. We tighten up and we hold on to our views. rather than holding our views lightly and listening to be changed by what we hear.

Willing to be changed by what you hear: that's a challenge. Can you imagine what this world would be like if people actually did that? It doesn't mean you have to change your views but that you're willing listen to understand their views. That's where you find there's some common ground. Instead of thinking I am right and they are wrong, you try to understand why they believe what they believe. You are changed because instead of calling them stupid, you understand where they are coming from.

Listening is really very vulnerable if you really do it. You just have to be there, sort of raw and bare naked. Since that is hard, we often use protective strategies, so we don’t have to feel their discomfort or our discomfort. We don’t want them to have a problem, so we jump in to fix it right away. We listen in a way that we're comfortable, not in a way that might be best for them.

Attention and Intention

The intention is having a genuine interest in the other person, their experiences, views, feelings, and needs. In my know-it-all days, I was too intent on solving the problem to bother with their experiences, views, feelings and needs.  I often interrupted people who were trying to share with me, so I could tell them exactly what they needed to do. Now I try to follow the intention suggested by Thich Nhat Hanh: Listen closely enough to help reduce their suffering, to help them hold their suffering. Another wise intention is to listen with the intent to be changed by what you hear.

The attention is being able to stay present, open, and unbiased as we receive the other person's words—even when they don't line up with our own ideas or desires. Attention is a willingness simply to be there and share another person's story. I lived most of my life planning the future. As a know-it-all, I was not open to their ideas if they differed from my preconceived ones, after all I knew everything.

There are a lot of things that pull our attention away from listening besides having preconceived notions.

• Receiving words that make us uncomfortable, or make us shut down
• Irritation over listening to them complain over and over again without doing anything to fix the problem
• Becoming angry as they said something unskillfully and it pressed your button
• Having difficult emotions that may have nothing to do with the person you are trying to listen to

When we have all these voices going on in our head: they did this and they did that; I'm not happy with this then we don't have the space for any more of their voice to tell us what happened. And we don't even have access to our truest voice, that inner goodness inside of us. There are a lot of things that you can do when you're in a place where you can't pay attention.

Some I have never tried:

• Telling someone that I could not listen to them in the moment
• Asking for a minute or more time to get my emotions under control so I could listen
• Telling someone I’m in the middle of this, and asking to talk later
• Letting someone know I am trying to resolve a problem and can’t give them my attention until I can either resolve the problem or let it go

Some that work for me:

• Stopping and taking a couple of long, slow, deep breaths to calm myself
• Asking myself what is more important, showing how much I know or this relationship
• Recognizing my preconceived notions, and intentionally looking for something they are right about

Unless we look deeply into ourselves, deep listening will not be easy. It requires us to give up preconceived ideas, judgments, and desires. If you can't recognize your own beliefs, opinions, needs, and fears, you won't have enough inner space to truly hear anyone else.

Listening to others requires quieting some of the voices already active within us. When this happens, there is space not only for the voices of others but also for our own truest voice. The foundation for mindful listening is self-awareness.

True listening requires deep respect and genuine curiosity. In my rush to show off how knowledgeable I was, I didn’t show respect or have genuine curiosity. The intention behind deep listening is not to judge, criticize, condemn, or evaluate, but to listen with the single purpose of helping the other person suffer less.

People want to be heard. Listen deeply so others feel heard and can release some of their anguish. Hold space with compassion.

How to Listen

Listen to what is said—and what is left unsaid. Ask good questions. Allow people to feel heard before offering solutions. Listen at multiple levels:

• What are they saying?
• What emotions are they expressing?
• What is most important to them?
• What is really going on beneath the words?

If I understood what was going on underneath those words, I probably wouldn't take whatever they said unskillfully so personally. I would realize that they're feeling some strong negative emotion and that's why they're talking unskillfully or disrespectfully.

Often, instead of seeing people as they are right now, we listen through our assumptions about who we think they are and what we think they mean. And I don't want to listen to you with my assumption of what I think you mean, because what I think you mean is probably what I want you to mean, not necessarily what you do mean. We need to clear the clutter in our minds and be willing to let go—and be surprised.

"When we think we already know what there is to hear, we are simply moving a little too fast to really listen. That's where meditation comes in." — Mirabai Bush

Practicing Self-Awareness

Pay attention to your inner state

Ask yourself:

Is anything getting in the way of being fully present for this person?

Be present

Stay mentally engaged. How do you bring your mind back every time it wanders? Because it's going to wander. It's going to start overthinking. It's going to start judging what they're saying before they've even finished saying it, maybe interrupting or rushing in to give advice, all the things I'm very good at doing.

And most of the time we're listening with a half an ear, and the other half We're formulating what we're going to say. When you listen that way, you cannot relieve suffering.

Preoccupation with our wants, fears, and stress keeps us from being present. The stronger our wants and fears, the more likely we are to hear only what we want to hear.

Put your agenda on hold

When we have an agenda, we cannot fully hear what is being said. It's like shining a flashlight in one direction—we miss the rest of the landscape.

Some common agendas include:

• Wanting the other person to see us in a certain way
• Feeling someone is more important than we are
• Wanting the conversation to go in a specific direction
• Wanting to fix or control the other person
• Wanting to get back to what we were doing
• Simply wanting to eat dinner

Notice your reactions

Pay attention as thoughts, feelings, judgments, and memories arise.

When we listen through bias, we often decide what we think before hearing the whole story. And often the story we think they are telling, but our story is not what they were trying to say. Sometimes we connect everything the other person says to our own experiences without considering theirs.

We then make well-meaning comments that fail to honor the uniqueness of their experience, such as:

"I know exactly what you're going through."

The hardest thing to listen to is feedback. Sometimes you can actually feel your mind wanting to run away and protect itself.

Listening Practices

Reflect back what you heard

Use the speaker's own words whenever possible. Paraphrase or summarize the main point before responding. This helps people feel understood.

Be curious

Ask questions that encourage the other person to explore their thoughts and feelings more deeply.

"Tell me more."

Those three simple words can transform a conversation.

Clarifying questions often help people discover what truly matters.

Affirm feelings or intentions

Say things such as:

"I can see why you would feel that way."

Remember:

You can affirm another person's feelings or intentions while still disagreeing with their conclusions.

Acknowledging is not agreeing.

Before introducing your own ideas, feelings, or requests, first let the other person know you understand their perspective.

Express empathy

Consider why they might feel or think the way they do.

Think less about how you would feel in their situation and more about their experience.

Use engaged body language

Use posture, eye contact (when culturally appropriate), facial expression, and gestures to communicate that you are fully present.

Closing Reflection

Everyone longs for understanding and acceptance.

Mindful listening is one of the greatest gifts we can offer another human being. It asks us to quiet our own minds, let go of our agendas, become aware of our biases, and meet another person with curiosity and compassion.

When someone feels deeply heard, suffering often softens. Connection grows. And sometimes, both people leave the conversation changed.

So, if you truly love someone, train yourself to become a better listener.