“It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, ‘well, if I’d known better I’d have done better,’ that’s all.” Maya Angelou
What Forgiveness Is
Forgiveness is letting go of the hurts we have inside. Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past. Without forgiveness we are chained to the past, we remain caught in the hurt and pain of our history. We are holding that hot coal. We forgive because we want the freedom of our own heart. The person who gains the most from forgiveness is usually the one who does the forgiving. If someone forgives you, but you don’t forgive yourself, their offering forgiveness doesn’t provide you with relief.
“We may still be suffering terribly from the past while those who betrayed us are on vacation. It is painful to hate. Without forgiveness we continue to perpetuate the illusion that hate can heal our pain and the pain of others. In forgiveness we let go and find relief in our heart.” Jack Kornfield
Forgiveness does not ignore the truth of our suffering. That would be weak and forgiveness is not weak. It demands courage and integrity. Courage to face the vulnerability inside us. To forgive ourselves or others, we have to let go of the protective armor we have developed over the years to keep us safe. And maybe we are not ready to let go, in that case we learn that we can’t hold on. That is why forgiving is hard, but only forgiveness can bring about the peace we long for.
Forgiveness is transforming our compost. It is fundamentally for our own sake, for our own mental health. Forgiveness sees clearly. It acknowledges what is unjust, harmful, and wrong. It recognizes the sufferings of the past and understands the conditions that brought them about. Forgiveness doesn’t just brush harms under the carpet and say, “I am just going to pretend this didn’t happen.” That would be papering over.
When we forgive, we can say, “Never again will I allow these things to happen.” And at the same time, we can also resolve to release the past and not carry bitterness and hate in our heart. Forgiveness does not condemn you to being a doormat. It means letting go of your hurt and anger and not making someone else responsible for your emotional well-being.
“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That's the message he is sending.” Thich Nhat Hanh
Learning to Forgive
It is very difficult to forgive others. We begin forgiveness by recognizing that we have all hurt or betrayed others and have been hurt or betrayed by them. We are all perfectly imperfect humans, doing the best we can with the skills and resources we have.
To forgive, we seek to understand why we or another person acted as we or they did. We begin to see that we are victims of our own confusion, worldview, grief, discrimination, lack of understanding, and lack of compassion.
Forgiveness shines the light of awareness on both our suffering and theirs. As we allow ourselves to feel the pain we or they have been carrying and understand the causes and conditions that created it, forgiveness begins to arise naturally as a relief.
We cannot fully forgive others if we do not also learn how to forgive ourselves.
“Forgive yourself for not knowing better at the time.
Forgive yourself for giving away your power.
Forgive yourself for past behaviors.
Forgive yourself for the survival patterns and traits you picked up while growing up.
Forgive yourself for being who you needed to be.” Audrey Kitching
Yet often we cannot bear to live with the painful memories of what we said or did. Our minds have a deep resistance to feeling shame. Instead of forgiving ourselves, we replay and rehash the past, hoping somehow for a different ending.
Finding a way to extend forgiveness to ourselves is one of our most essential tasks. Forgiveness cannot be forced. We have to be brave enough to open our hearts in order for forgiveness to emerge. So, remember, just as others have been caught in suffering, so have we.
Leg in a Trap Story
“Imagine you are walking through the woods and you see a small dog sitting by a tree. You think the dog is cute, so you approach it to pet it. Suddenly, the dog lunges at you, bares its teeth, and snarls aggressively. Your immediate reaction is fear and anger—you see the dog as mean, dangerous, and malicious.
But then, the wind blows, scattering the leaves on the ground. Beneath the leaves, you notice that one of the dog’s legs is caught in a steel trap.
Instantly, your entire state of mind changes. Your anger vanishes and is replaced by deep compassion and concern. You realize the dog isn't acting out of hatred or inherent cruelty—it is striking out because it is terrified, vulnerable, and in agonizing pain.” Tara Brach
It’s Not Our Fault
If we look honestly at our own lives, we can often see the conditions that caused us to harm ourselves or others. This does not excuse our behavior. It simply helps us recognize that, at the time, our own leg was caught in a trap. I recently read a forgiveness letter I wrote to myself about 20 years ago. The unskillful actions I took were definitely due to my leg being caught in a trap.
I told myself I did the best I could with the skills and resources I had. Seeing this allowed me to release shame, stop endlessly replaying the past, forgive myself, and make the sincere commitment not to knowingly create that suffering again. The letter by itself started the process, I had to practice it over and over again before I really forgave myself.
This is a lot easier said than done. Our inner critic quickly reminds us of every way we have failed, spoken unskillfully, or hurt someone we love. We have to let our judgmental neuropathways atrophy and strengthen our self-compassion neuropathways.
But It Is Our Responsibility
When you are ready to start the process to forgive yourself or someone else:
- Become aware of what you need to forgive. Start by recognizing the wound that was created by the unskillful action or words. Allow yourself to feel the pain of that wound, whether it is yours or their pain.
- Shine the light of mindfulness on it.
- Check your story. We often embellish the story of what happened. We exaggerate the harm; we assume an ill intention. We feel they were out to get us. We tell ourselves we are a terrible person.
- Look at the causes and conditions. Was our or their leg caught in a trap? Were we or they simply letting our suffering spill over? Was the person feeling fear, frustration, anger, or other powerful emotions? Did they just have a fight with their partner? Find out their kid is on drugs? Find out a loved one has cancer?
- Don't take it personally. Rude, hurtful, or disrespectful comments are more often about them than they are about you. You don't have to accept the poison words they are offering you.
- Choose to nourish healthy neuropathways. Ask yourself whether you want to continue practicing judgment or begin practicing forgiveness. If genuine forgiveness is not possible today, simply set the intention to forgive yourself someday.
In the meantime, offer kindness to the frightened, hurting place within you. Forgiveness cannot blossom until that place has received care.
You might even say to yourself:
"I am sorry. I hurt you out of my ignorance, my lack of mindfulness, and my lack of skillfulness. I will do my best to change."
- Forgive Little by Little. Forgiveness is not a one and done. You may need to begin with the intention to forgive one day. Look deeply to understand why it is so difficult for you to forgive. You may find using a mantra helpful:
May I consider the possibility of one day forgiving myself/you
May I open to forgiving myself/you
May I one day forgive myself/you
Practicing mindfulness, breathing, and deep looking transforms us naturally. Little by little, we forgive ourselves or others. Little by little, we offer ourselves or others the compassion we have been seeking all along.
Closing Summary
Forgiveness is not forgetting. It is not excusing harmful behavior, pretending nothing happened, or allowing ourselves to be harmed again.
Forgiveness is the courageous practice of laying down the burden we have carried for far too long. It is seeing clearly, understanding deeply, and choosing not to let yesterday determine the quality of today.
When we recognize that every person—including ourselves—has, at times, had a leg caught in a trap, compassion naturally begins to replace blame.
May we have the courage to look deeply, the wisdom to understand the causes of suffering, and the kindness to offer forgiveness—to others, and perhaps most importantly, to ourselves.
For when we finally release the hot coal, it is our own hands that are freed.