Unraveling Rumination Part 2

Much of the content for this reflection comes from an online course by Rick Hanson called Breaking Out of Rumination.

Rumination is being lost in thought, spinning in worries, resentments, regret, remorse, self-doubt or shame. Our brain overthinks things in its effort to take control and keep us safe.  Rumination narrows our focus and exaggerates our experience. With rumination we get stuck in the story of “I am so bad.” Or “This is so horrible.” 

It took many years for me to understand the difference between ruminating and investigating. I thought I was investigating when I was actually ruminating.  Rumination is allowing our thoughts to spin out of control, getting stuck at the surface story line. We try to figure out why the past happened. Looking underneath the thoughts is what moves us from rumination to investigation; focusing on what is happening right now in the present moment.  I have found the intellectual curiosity leads me back to rumination.  I end up analyzing who said what and why over and over again.  Experiential curiosity leads to investigation. I am curious about the sensations and emotions in my body and mind right now. I can’t change the past, but I can change the present so I can heal the suffering of the present moment.

Begin to investigate by asking yourself, “What is happening in this very moment? What are my senses taking in?  What body sensations do I feel? What emotions? Your mind will keep trying to bring you back to thinking about the external experience as it thinks that will protect you from feeling pain. This is the time to ask yourself a question that redirects your attention to the present moment.

Last Session

We talked about how we often ruminate about our worries, our fear of what might happen in the future. But those fears are just stories we made up in our minds.  The more we repeat those stories, the more we believe they will come true, the more anxious we get. We are spinning on the hamster wheel.

We also explored ruminating about resentment. When we are mistreated or we see someone being mistreated, we feel resentful. It is normal to think about what happened, what might happen, and what we are going to do about it. When we go overboard and get caught up in a kind of loop of thinking without any forward movement, we are ruminating. We keep thinking if I just think about this, I will figure it out. But since we have turned off our thinking brain and are relying on our emotional brain, we never get there.

Regret & Remorse

Regrets include guilt, remorse, and shame. It comes up when we have acted unskillfully or made a mistake. When we feel regret or remorse, we keep beating ourselves up. We ruminate on the unskillful action that we did and play ‘coulda/shoulda/woulda’ as if that will change the past. A more skillful way to deal with regret and remorse is to learn from our mistakes, do what we can to fix them, and realize we will always carry the price of that mistake. Accept that our unskillful actions were the result of causes that we automatically reacted to; they do not mean we are a terrible person.

Tell yourself the truth about what happened. In Alcoholics Anonymous it is called a Searching and Fearless Inventory. What was your part in the matter? What parts did others play in the matter? Don’t accept inappropriate blame. Then let yourself feel it for just a couple of breaths. As you practice this you will get stronger and be able to face it for longer and longer periods of time. Then the regret and remorse lose their power over you.

Things to Do for Regret & Remorse

• Tell yourself the truth about what happened.
• Admit your fault, but don’t accept inappropriate blame.
• Let yourself feel the regret or remorse fully, resourcing yourself as needed.
• Open your heart and forgive yourself so you don’t get crippled by shame.
• Disengage, quit beating yourself up and move on.
• Remember you did the best you could with the knowledge, skills and resources you had at the time.  When you know better, you will do better.
• Notice whether you are directing anger at yourself that is actually more appropriately directed at others.

Self-Doubt & Shame

Self-doubt and shame come from our inner critic. The inner critic adds on stories to the experience that make us look bad. So, the first thing we need to do is tease out the fiction from the facts. What was our part in the matter. Once we see the facts, we can assess our intentions. Did you act unskillfully because you were hurting, or simply because you wanted to hurt the other person? Our inner critic tells you that you are no good, not enough, always going to fail. If you listen to your inner critic, you will feel self-doubt and shame.

But there is another voice inside of us, our inner nurturer.  Our inner nurturer looks at the situation from a broader perspective.  Thus, it can talk to us like we would talk to a good friend. Instead of criticism, our inner nurturer provides us with guidance. It tells us where we have the opportunity to become more skillful in an encouraging way.

“Deep down inside us, most of us, me included, are old feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, guilt, shame, feeling small, weak, damaged, broken, tainted, spoiled, etc. And those old feelings can really turbocharge our reactions in the present. So being mindful of those old feelings, being aware of them and seeing how they get in the mix can be really helpful.” Rick Hanson

There are many experiences in my life that led me to feel inadequate and worthless. One was being rejected by my best friend in 7^th grade. That caused me to feel like an outsider.  I put up a brick wall so I would not be rejected. But that just made me feel invisible.  I have been working on this self-doubt/shame for about 5 years. But I can still feel like an outsider when I let the old stories play. I have to remind myself I am not being excluded or left out.  That it is up to me to reach out, begin a conversation, and take responsibility for developing relationships.

Things to Do for Doubt & Shame

• Rest in your own goodness, your own good intentions, your own warmheartedness
• Know that you were doing the best you can with the knowledge, skills, and resources you had at that moment
• Judge and guide yourself only about what is in your control
• Make your offering and let go of the results

One of the ways to counteract our feelings of self-doubt is to increase our ability to feel deserving.Many of us have internalized feelings of unworthiness from our parents, teachers, partners or friends. While we may have a healthy sense of self-esteem at the moment, we may not have a healthy sense of self-worth.

For example, you did something nice for someone, and they expressed appreciation. Or you achieved something that was difficult and are being congratulated for it. For a few seconds, you feel a sense of being appreciated or proud of your achievement. According to Rick Hanson, that is step one.

Step two is the fear of opening to that experience of feeling good about yourself. If you allow yourself to feel appreciated for more than a second, what will your inner critic tell you. Maybe, “It wasn’t such a big deal.” Or “Your intentions were marbled, you did it to get praise, not just out of the goodness of your heart.”

If you allow yourself to be proud of your achievement, you may be called conceited.  When I was growing up, calling someone conceited was a big insult. So, we could not allow ourselves to savor our achievements. What would happen if you allowed yourself to savor the good feelings?

Step three is when you blow off the compliment. You may make a joke or change the subject. I would say, “It was nothing.” And just like that your good feeling evaporates.

We often have an inhibition about feeling good about ourselves. Explore what you fear. Not the experience of a compliment, but the way you would feel if you allowed the good feeling the compliment provoked. Maybe you shut it down because you don’t feel like you deserve the complement or would not be able to live up to their new expectations of you.

Reflection

• Step 1 – think of a time when you received a compliment that you were uncomfortable with.
• Step 2 – in the instant that you received the compliment, how did you feel? Look back and see if you allowed yourself to savor it.
• Step 3 – did you blow off the compliment? What is your default way to blow off a compliment?
• Step 4 – Explore what you fear. Why did you blow off the compliment? What would others think if they saw you feeling good about yourself? See if you can sit with others thinking you feel good about yourself.

Building Strength

Feeling good about yourself is a strength you can grow which will reduce your need to ruminate. We don’t need to overthink, because we are strong enough to control what we can and wise enough to keep ourselves safe. We don’t need to live our lives being lost in thought, spinning in worries, resentments, regret, remorse, self-doubt or shame. We can let go of the story of “I am so bad.” Or “This is so horrible.”  If we practice with worries, resentments, regret, remorse, self-doubt and shame, we can learn to stop ruminating and start taking action that will lead to the greater good.