Meeting life's joys and sorrows with wisdom and balance
"’Tis easy enough to be pleasant, when life flows along like a song; but the man worthwhile is the one who will smile when everything goes dead wrong." — Ella Wheeler Wilcox
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, equanimity means "calmness and composure, especially in a difficult situation." While accurate, this definition doesn't fully capture the depth of this powerful meta-virtue.
Equanimity is the wisdom that protects our minds from discouragement and frustration when our lack of control becomes clear. It is the willingness and ability to accept things just as they are in this moment—whether they are frustrating, boring, exciting, disappointing, or painful. It is a mindful presence that neither grasps nor resists experience. Instead of overreacting, equanimity allows us to step back and see the bigger picture.
Equanimity is often mistaken for indifference. Indifference is the near-enemy of equanimity because true equanimity is neither cold nor detached. The calm of equanimity comes from clarity, not emotional distance. We open our hearts while recognizing reality as it is. We acknowledge what we genuinely cannot control, no matter how much we wish otherwise. Equanimity protects us from overreacting to both joy and sorrow.
When we open our hearts, we naturally connect with others and with life itself. At the same time, we balance that connection with a clear recognition of the way things are. We acknowledge what we genuinely cannot control, no matter how much we may wish otherwise.
When life becomes too much, we may shut down and stop caring. At the other end of the continuum, we become overwhelmed and move into fight-or-flight. When we become overwhelmed, our nervous system shifts into fight, flight, or freeze. Our thinking narrows, curiosity disappears, and we cling tightly to our opinions. We become convinced we're right and everyone else is wrong.
The middle ground is different. The calm comes from clarity of understanding. We open our hearts while recognizing reality as it is. We see what we genuinely cannot control, no matter how obsessed we become with trying to. Equanimity protects us from overreacting to both our joys and our sorrows.
"Equanimity is like the eye of the storm, the calm center, that is grounded in the knowledge that everything is constantly changing and much of it is out of our control." — Christiane Wolf
Our brains are not naturally wired for equanimity. We are wired to push away what is unpleasant and cling to what is pleasant. This constant push-pull—the pursuit of happiness—doesn't lead to lasting satisfaction. Instead, it creates craving and aversion. We convince ourselves that things are wrong or that something bad must be avoided.
Equanimity undoes this habitual way of thinking. It frees us from the endless cycle of judging experiences as good or bad. In letting go of what we believe "should be," we discover contentment with what is.
Becoming More Equanimous
- Teasing Out the Facts
- Resourcing Yourself
- Taking Skillful Action
Teasing Out the Facts
Become aware of both the external reality and your internal reaction. Learn to separate the facts from the stories.
We cannot change the facts of the past, but we can change the stories we tell ourselves about those facts. Rather than trying to make painful experiences disappear, we can explore more empowering ways of understanding them. As we step back and see the bigger picture, we become less likely to take things personally.
I told you the story of my father saying, "What's that B doing there?" That was the fact.
The story I added was: He doesn't think I'm good enough. I have to get straight A's to be good enough. I am not enough.
But I could have told a different story: He thinks I can do better. He's proud of me, and he believes I'm capable of more.
Some stories are more complicated, making it harder to separate fact from interpretation. We may have to do it repeatedly, peeling away one layer of story at a time.
While teaching in prison, someone asked whether we need another person to tell us what is fact and what is story. I said no. A teacher or therapist can ask wise questions, but only you can recognize where the facts end and your interpretation begins. You already possess that wisdom.
Another question I was asked was, "Don't you want to figure out how to change it?"
My answer was, Not yet.
First, we need to be with the experience. We need to distinguish fact from story. Only then does our inner wisdom begin to show us what to do next.
As we separate facts from stories, we begin to see the bigger picture. Instead of shining a flashlight on one painful problem, we turn on the floodlights and see everything surrounding it. We stop taking everything so personally.
Ask yourself:
- What are the facts?
- Do I have any influence or control over changing the past?
- Do I have any influence or control over what may happen in the future?
- What story am I adding to these facts?
- Is this story true and helpful?
- What might be a more empowering story based on these facts?
- What would be a skillful response to this situation?
Reflection
Think of a story from your childhood—not a traumatic one, but one that still creates a little discomfort.
State only the facts. At first, your "facts" will probably include some story. Keep looking until only the bare facts remain. Remind yourself that everything else is the story you created to explain what happened.
Now consider how you might rewrite that story—without changing any of the facts—to make it more empowering.
The wisdom gained from separating facts from stories protects our minds from discouragement and frustration when our lack of control becomes clear.
"Equanimity, in its most basic understanding, is all about letting go. Of what? Of trying to control what cannot be controlled, including all the inevitable changes that are a part of life." — Jack Kornfield
Equanimity does not mean never being knocked off balance. We will all be knocked off kilter many times throughout our lives.
It means being willing to ride the internal roller coaster rather than fighting it.
Without equanimity, we are tossed about by the waves, crashing into the circumstances of our lives. With equanimity, we are not trying to stop the waves—we are learning to surf them.
Once we see more clearly, the next question becomes: How do we stay balanced enough to respond wisely?
Resourcing Yourself
You cannot respond skillfully on an empty tank.
Do what you need to restore your motivation and energy. Spend time in nature. Notice what is good in the world. Lean on family and friends. Appreciate the growth you've already made. Talk with people who understand what you're experiencing.
The balance of equanimity comes from inner strength and stability. A deep sense of calm, well-being, confidence, vitality, or integrity acts like the ballast of a ship, keeping it upright during strong winds.
As inner strength grows, equanimity naturally follows.
We remain centered even when surrounded by turmoil. The balanced heart experiences pleasure without grasping, pain without resisting or hating, and neutral experiences with openness and presence.
Taking Skillful Action
Finally, take skillful action.
Once we are surfing instead of struggling against the waves, we have choices. We can choose not to get even, not to react impulsively, not to lash out, not to punish, not to hurt, and not to close our minds or our hearts.
Ask yourself what influence or control you actually have.
If there is none, simply sit with the feelings. As we allow ourselves to experience them, they gradually become easier to release.
If you do have influence or control, determine the most skillful response and follow through.
Equanimity is the ability to see without becoming caught by what we see. It is a calm presence that is aware, open, and engaged without being swept away by the experience of the moment. It means engaging fully with life without reacting to our reactions.
With equanimity, we develop a heart that is ready for whatever life brings. No matter what happens, we have the capacity to respond from a place of tenderness and inner freedom.
Equanimity allows us to cherish life moment by moment. When we are no longer fighting reality, judging every experience, or grasping for things to be different, we discover our deepest wisdom. We develop an inner balance where we are neither disturbed nor numb. Our minds become relaxed and calm, engaged and alert. Whatever life brings, we can meet it with an open heart.
May we all continue cultivating the wisdom to know what we can change, the courage to act when action is possible, and the equanimity to meet everything else with compassion and balance.